Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.