every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
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“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.