“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
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The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Pickled cat.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
This is a whole mood;
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around