Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…