Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.