Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
…..pretty much.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!