Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*