As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
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Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Snapes on a plane.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion