ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.