i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Guy who likes music
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…