[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
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I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
kevin is now a local weatherman
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now