do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.