One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
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You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?