Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..