[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
lol
Mmmm canned fish.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.