Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
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*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
congratulations to them
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.