Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
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Seals are just dog mermaids.
🤣🤣🤣
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.