Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
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I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.