There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.