My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
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I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there