People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
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Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton