[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
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Very good news from my accountant
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’