[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
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Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up