[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
wtf management?!
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.