I have many caverns
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[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Body by cheese-puffs.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
sigh
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
i want to work in this restaurant