Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination