me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
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I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.