Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
New Tinder profile.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”