My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
You Might Also Like
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
same energy
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Meow?
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.