Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
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Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
who wants to go expliring