Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.