No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Birds & Planes.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right