[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Yup.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.