I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
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I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.