Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
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A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“What?”
– Jude
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3