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Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee