911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
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Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
They must have gotten it to go.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit