*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Bill is short for Billiam
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
meanwhile over on facebook
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one