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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Delightful if true: booby trap.
My wife gives the best headache.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*