Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
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Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.