Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
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*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says