“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
pep talk
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.