Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I am HOWLING at this
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol