Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”