The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.