anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
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bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
They also CAN sing✌️
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.