If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
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The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.