The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
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i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous