It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
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Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you