What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.